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A bloke´s car overheated on the motorway last week and he´s just received a quote from the garage to get it fixed. They want three grand. Like many car owners he needs it because the local bus service is pony. In fact, if the bus was a pony it wouldn´t be so bad.

But most of all he uses it to visit his two year old son and to take him to fun places and he can´t put a price on that. He needs that car sorted. The garage know that he won´t be able to buy another car like it for 3k. He will find the cash from somewhere and the mechanics will be swimming in lager.

This week Manchester United …

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Sir Alex Fergie may have his pensioner’s pants in a twist after next season’s league fixtures were announced – not enough easy games after Champions League matches, apparently – but he’d be better off directing his fury in another direction. Latest reports today reckon Cristiano Ronaldo has made up his mind to bugger off to Real Madrid, and as soon as Euro 2008 is over, he wants the move rubber-stamped.

Sources close to the player (yeah, that old chestnut, but still, where would transfer gossip be without ‘em?) claim Ronaldo will do ‘whatever it takes’ to swing a move to Real Madrid. Whatever ‘whatever it takes’ means, Beat is not quite sure. Will he go on strike? Burn his boots? Bawl …

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We finally admit it; Euro 2008 is sticking in our throats like the fish bone that nearly sent our beloved Queen Mum on a one way ticket to the Big G. Aye we love football but there’s only so much we can take, maybe some of the names that we know and love in the Premier League have donned their national colours and we have that to console us, but it’s not the same.

So we sit here sulking and waiting, for that holy Saturday in August when it all begins again. Yes the start of the Premier League is what we hearken to, and as if by magic we have the fixtures here too.

All eyes will be on Big Phil …

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If footy clubs were supermodels then we reckon that Manchester United would be the fiery, unpredictable and deadly kind - a bit like that stroppy mare Naomi Campbell. And Chelsea FC would consider itself to be a bit exotic, sultry and always well sought after in celebrity circles, say a bit like Gisele Bundchen.

This could have more to do with ownership and managerial status than anything else but who knows. In any case Chelsea FC are totally rating their sex appeal and are having a makeover. No Roman Abramovich hasn’t gone mad and started taking lessons in looks from hottie girlfriend Dasha. He’s just gone and signed the Chelsea FC brand to Creative Artists Agency in the States to make …

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It brings new meaning to the words sticking one in the back of the net. Aye Cristiano Ronaldo is well versed at doing this and his tactics off the pitch are just as well documented. But it seems that one particular bird may have bagged him, girlfriend Nereida Gallardo or that bit of rough as we like to call her. (Face it she’s not the finest looking filly in the Ronaldo coupling stable).

We reckon that the Man Utd Lothario’s dick may well stay in his pants for the foreseeable future anyway because she’s bleeding well rumoured to be wearing a rock the size of Majorca where she hails from. Onlookers said they spotted the ring on her engagement finger …

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Alex Ferguson, that canny old bugger, is teasing us all again with talk of his retirement. You might remember he announced his decision to quit several years ago, before changing his mind and staying on to bring more glory to Man Utd. Now Sir Fergie’s at it again.

“I think no more than three years,” he admitted in an interview. “Two… maybe two more. I’ve got to respect my wife too. She’s not a football fan, you know – she’s an Alex Ferguson fan, a mother to all these three boys and a grandmother to her children.”

So, who’d have thought it? The scariest man in football management under the thumb at home? Seems that way. When Fergie did a u-turn …

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He might be a total boy wonder on the pitch, but old potato head Wayne Rooney is tying the knot (somehow we think the female population will get over it) with arch WAG Colleen McLoughlin next month. The couple will be jetting off to the Italian riviera on June 14th to marry in a former 14th century monastery.

Italian castles are so passé these days - well ever since Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes started the trend anyway!

But that isn’t the most interesting part of this little tit-bit. Oh no not by far - who’s providing the in house entertainment we wonder? No Gregorian chants, just Nicky, Mark, Kian and whatever the rest of Westlife are called (maybe). Manchester United’s football …

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Penalty shoot-outs. Scintillating if you´re a United fan, sickening if you´re a Chelsea supporter. You had to think the Red Devils had blown it when Cristiano Ronaldo of all people duffed an easy penalty for Petr Cech to save. But no.

Blues skipper John Terry, who kept his side in the game with an heroic goal line block, will now be cast into a pit of despair for eternity for hitting his spot-kick against the post when he could have sealed it for his team.

Only the coldest hearts would feel no sympathy for him, most of his team mates, the supporters and manager Avram Grant. But don´t feel sorry for foolish Didier Drogba. If he hadn´t stupidly bitch-slapped Carlos Tevez …

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Two days to go – well, a day and a bit, then – until the Champions League Final, and none of the talk is about Man Utd versus Chelsea. Instead, it’s about Didier Drogba leaving (or staying), Cristiano Ronaldo leaving (or staying), and Frank Lampard…. yep, you’ve guessed it, leaving (or staying). The world’s gone mad.

First up, that cheeky Drogba. He’s a hell of a tease – he couldn’t be toying with Chelsea fans more if we stuck on a tight leather miniskirt, daubed his chops in scarlet lipstick and teetered off down the road in the highest heels imaginable. First he’s quitting Chelsea, now he might he staying. “It’s up me and I will take my time,” he …

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Dear oh dear. Where are Alan Titchmarsh, Diarmud Gavin or Charlie Dimmock when you need them? Many weeks ago these esteemed pages predicted that playing a Champions League final between two English sides in Moscow was a shambolic notion. But we were wrong.

It´s going to be far, far, far worse than that. The latest bout of bad news surrounds the shocking state of the Luzhniki Stadium pitch. You may remember that this was a plastic surface a few months back when dreadful Steve McLaren´s England surrendered a one goal lead to lose to the Russians and all but dashed our hopes of Euro 2008 participation.

After that game the vodka swillers tore the thing up and relaid a grass …

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