Headlines

 … Lampard out? Well, that’s what most Chelsea fans will be thinking today after the news that Luiz Scolari has recruited one of his old Portuguese favourites on his first day in charge at Stamford Bridge. If that pic of a smarmy-looking Peter Kenyon grinning and shaking hands with Deco doesn’t spell the end for Lampard, we’ll crawl all the way from Beat Towers to Stamford Bridge on our knees in the rain.

Deco’s alright. Well, he’s a bit more than alright – after all, this is a guy who’s been playing his footy for Barcelona for the last few years, and doing pretty well for Portugal at international level too. He may be 30 and knocking on a bit, but …

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We finally admit it; Euro 2008 is sticking in our throats like the fish bone that nearly sent our beloved Queen Mum on a one way ticket to the Big G. Aye we love football but there’s only so much we can take, maybe some of the names that we know and love in the Premier League have donned their national colours and we have that to console us, but it’s not the same.

So we sit here sulking and waiting, for that holy Saturday in August when it all begins again. Yes the start of the Premier League is what we hearken to, and as if by magic we have the fixtures here too.

All eyes will be on Big Phil …

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Move over, Avram – Chelsea have got their hands on a man who may just finally help Blues fans pining for Jose Mourinho to get over their broken hearts. Portugal coach Luiz Felipe Scolari has been confirmed as Chelsea’s new coach, taking over at Stamford Bridge after Euro 2008.

He comes with a huge reputation, a glowing CV (albeit more at international level, he hasn’t coached a football club for seven years), and, even better (for the red top tabloids at least), he already has an ace nickname: Big Phil. No need for headline writers to even attempt to squeeze Luiz Felipe Scolari onto the back pages.

But will he actually be any good? Well, time will tell. On the plus …

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If footy clubs were supermodels then we reckon that Manchester United would be the fiery, unpredictable and deadly kind - a bit like that stroppy mare Naomi Campbell. And Chelsea FC would consider itself to be a bit exotic, sultry and always well sought after in celebrity circles, say a bit like Gisele Bundchen.

This could have more to do with ownership and managerial status than anything else but who knows. In any case Chelsea FC are totally rating their sex appeal and are having a makeover. No Roman Abramovich hasn’t gone mad and started taking lessons in looks from hottie girlfriend Dasha. He’s just gone and signed the Chelsea FC brand to Creative Artists Agency in the States to make …

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Punters eyeing up Chelsea for next year´s Premier League betting will be keeping a close eye on developments at Stamford Bridge.

Current Inter boss Roberto Mancini is "alleged" to have been backed for fortunes with the price moving in from 10/1 to odds-on with some high street bookmakers.

I say alleged because ALL comments from bookmaker PR men naturally come with a truth and accuracy health warning attached. Infact, you can normally tell when they are lying - their lips begin to move.

When you hear one quote a liability of 50 grand you can safely divide that figure by 100 and exchange the currency to Turkish Lira to arrive at the more accurate total.

The more outlandish the lie, the better …

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We at Bodog Towers are an empathic lot, we don’t sit in our ivory tower and cast aspersions (not on a Friday - it’s too warm in the office and the post lunch after glow is kicking in. Aye our grey cells stay razor-sharp at all times but then you know that. But our prod, poke and Mickey take filter gets turned down every now and again.

This is one of those times as we sit and ponder the fate of Avram Grant after Chelsea’s painful near sniff of Brasso from that Champions League trophy before it got snatched away by grubby hands. What will Roman Abramovich do next? Where is Avram (who still hasn’t managed to live outside of cheeky …

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Penalty shoot-outs. Scintillating if you´re a United fan, sickening if you´re a Chelsea supporter. You had to think the Red Devils had blown it when Cristiano Ronaldo of all people duffed an easy penalty for Petr Cech to save. But no.

Blues skipper John Terry, who kept his side in the game with an heroic goal line block, will now be cast into a pit of despair for eternity for hitting his spot-kick against the post when he could have sealed it for his team.

Only the coldest hearts would feel no sympathy for him, most of his team mates, the supporters and manager Avram Grant. But don´t feel sorry for foolish Didier Drogba. If he hadn´t stupidly bitch-slapped Carlos Tevez …

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Two days to go – well, a day and a bit, then – until the Champions League Final, and none of the talk is about Man Utd versus Chelsea. Instead, it’s about Didier Drogba leaving (or staying), Cristiano Ronaldo leaving (or staying), and Frank Lampard…. yep, you’ve guessed it, leaving (or staying). The world’s gone mad.

First up, that cheeky Drogba. He’s a hell of a tease – he couldn’t be toying with Chelsea fans more if we stuck on a tight leather miniskirt, daubed his chops in scarlet lipstick and teetered off down the road in the highest heels imaginable. First he’s quitting Chelsea, now he might he staying. “It’s up me and I will take my time,” he …

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Dear oh dear. Where are Alan Titchmarsh, Diarmud Gavin or Charlie Dimmock when you need them? Many weeks ago these esteemed pages predicted that playing a Champions League final between two English sides in Moscow was a shambolic notion. But we were wrong.

It´s going to be far, far, far worse than that. The latest bout of bad news surrounds the shocking state of the Luzhniki Stadium pitch. You may remember that this was a plastic surface a few months back when dreadful Steve McLaren´s England surrendered a one goal lead to lose to the Russians and all but dashed our hopes of Euro 2008 participation.

After that game the vodka swillers tore the thing up and relaid a grass …

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The Bodog Sports has published some blinding markets on the upcoming Champions League final between Manchester United and Chelsea but among the most intriguing is the one titled "First Goal Method".

With aerial threats from the likes of six-footers Cristiano Ronaldo, Didier Drogba, John Terry, Rio Ferdinand and Nemanja Vidic the 4/1 quote for "header" could well be worth an interest. And let´s not forget that Wayne Rooney and Ryan Giggs have weighed in with plenty of scoring headers in the past despite their Lilliputian statures.

It´s a great shame there isn´t an "in off the jacksie" category because I´d want my mortgage on Frank Lampard who has the advantage of having twice as much surface area to get on the …

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