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Sunning himself in California while legions of Manchester United fans sweat for a different reason altogether – namely whether their star player will still be at the club come the start of the season – Cristiano Ronaldo remains reluctant to put those fans out of their misery.

“I’ve had hundreds of questions about Manchester United and Real Madrid,” he sighed when asked The Question yet again. “What do you want me to say? Whether I’m going or I’m staying? I don’t know about the future, only God knows it. I can’t say any more.”

Funnily enough, Cristiano, that is exactly what United fans want to know. What else? What kind of sun cream you’re dabbing on to your delicate Portuguese chops, or …

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Proof that Seb Coe isn’t wasting any time plotting British success at the 2012 Olympics in London. He’s already hard at work, top of the list sweet-talking Sir Alex Ferguson into managing the footy team in four years’ time.

Coe, organising committee chairman of London 2012, revealed: “I’d love to have him there because he’s a phenomenal coach and a great man manager. Who else would you want to have that mentoring role with under 23 players for a build-up to the games?”

And he has a point, of course. When it comes to dealing with young footballers, Fergie takes some beating: Beckham, Giggs, Scholes, Rooney, Ronaldo. The fiery Scot has coached them all, and the thought of him in charge of …

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In terms of romance, we´ve never seen an Open like it. The old white haired gladiator, well past his best, straps on the body armour for one last contest in the coliseum. His back creaks as he bends to tie up his Footjoys. He doesn´t move as freely as he did all those years ago as he pulls on his polo shirt.

Shortly afterwards the Great White Shark emerges into the packed Royal Birkdale arena and is welcomed onto the first tee with a deafening roar, just like the days of old when a younger man squared up to Nick Faldo, to Jack Nicklaus and to Tom Watson. His new lover, Chris Evert, still radiant after all these years looking on in pride and …

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