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One footballer definitely going somewhere this summer though is Joey Barton. Nowhere as nice as Didier Drogba or Frank Lampard may finally end up, mind – Barton’s off to the slammer. He’s been sentenced to six months in jail after admitting assault and affray outside a McDonald’s in Liverpool just after Christmas.

Bad news for Barton, and bad news for Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan, who would have been impressed with the midfielder’s performances towards the end of the season. Barton’s talent has never been in dispute. A high-energy midfielder, the guy can run all day and has the kind of box-to-box ability that reminds many of a certain Roy Keane in his prime; like Keane, Barton also has a hair-trigger temper …

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Here’s an unexpected snippet from the race to be elected the Democratic candidate for the presidency: when Barack Obama was asked to name a ‘hidden talent’, he said he considers himself ‘a pretty good poker player’. There was a subsequent information blackout, presumably perpetrated by his minders who will be worried they will lose the vote of the Puritans. As James McManus, author of Positively Fifth Street puts it, ‘playing poker for tiny stakes has turned radioactive.’

It seems an odd state of affairs that a game that was frequently labelled America’s favourite pastime is at times treated with a level of respect usually awarded to workers of the world’s oldest profession. It wasn’t always thus: plenty of previous Presidents, some …

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Two days to go – well, a day and a bit, then – until the Champions League Final, and none of the talk is about Man Utd versus Chelsea. Instead, it’s about Didier Drogba leaving (or staying), Cristiano Ronaldo leaving (or staying), and Frank Lampard…. yep, you’ve guessed it, leaving (or staying). The world’s gone mad.

First up, that cheeky Drogba. He’s a hell of a tease – he couldn’t be toying with Chelsea fans more if we stuck on a tight leather miniskirt, daubed his chops in scarlet lipstick and teetered off down the road in the highest heels imaginable. First he’s quitting Chelsea, now he might he staying. “It’s up me and I will take my time,” he …

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Dear oh dear. Where are Alan Titchmarsh, Diarmud Gavin or Charlie Dimmock when you need them? Many weeks ago these esteemed pages predicted that playing a Champions League final between two English sides in Moscow was a shambolic notion. But we were wrong.

It´s going to be far, far, far worse than that. The latest bout of bad news surrounds the shocking state of the Luzhniki Stadium pitch. You may remember that this was a plastic surface a few months back when dreadful Steve McLaren´s England surrendered a one goal lead to lose to the Russians and all but dashed our hopes of Euro 2008 participation.

After that game the vodka swillers tore the thing up and relaid a grass …

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