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We have been plumbing the depths of the internet to find out what you lot have been looking at, and lo and behold it’s not teenage horny sluts or get hung like a stallion. It’s far less exciting than that. In fact it has made you guys into a discerning lot methinks.

This is what we discovered… We found out the homophone has got you all hot and bothered. And before you says gay porn communication device we shall put you straight. A homophone is a word that sounds the same but is spelled differently eg seen and scene. Fascinating stuff perhaps you were all looking for the extra advantage during an episode of Countdown or a career at an inner …

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The two most exciting sides in the world, the two best wide men on the planet - Cristiano Ronaldo v Lionel Messi and even the two worst haircuts - Carlos Tevez v Carles Puyol.

We´ve seen some cracking games this season and tonight´s Manchester United / Barcelona clash shows all the signs of being another. It has to be said that with all the turmoil off the pitch United are currently suffering Barcelona are starting to look like a very attractive bet indeed.

The new footage that has been released of the post-match punch-up between a grounds man and Patrice Evra will do nothing to help United´s match preparations. And to make matters worse Wayne Rooney and Nemanja Vidic are injury doubts.

United …

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Welcome to the first of our brand new column, Poker Unclogged. As promised last week, it will deliver an alternative take on the game and throw up a few nuggets from its less charted territories. We will begin with a look at Darwinism in the world of poker  

Most players are aware of Wild Bill Hickok’s final cash out. (For the few that don’t: he was shot in the back of the head by Jack McCall. It was one of the few occasions when Bill couldn’t find a seat with his back to the wall. He was playing five card draw and had two-pair, aces and eights, now known in poker circles as ‘the dead man’s hand’. Had Bill been hanged, …

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See, this is the trouble with all these new owners who come swanning into the Premier League, chucking cash about and buying football clubs. Some of them are great – but some of them don’t really know what they’re taking on, or what they’re on about.

Take Thaksinthingymajig at Manchester City. Thaksin Shinawatra or Frank Sinatra, or whatever he likes to call himself. He clearly has no real appreciation of what it takes to manage City if today’s rumours of him sacking Sven-Goran Eriksson at the end of the season are true. How can he?

True, City have tailed off badly since the New Year, but Thaksin needs to get the history books out. He doesn’t own one of the biggest …

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Oh my giddy aunt what’s this we hear about Cher nobbing Tom Cruise? We haven’t quite got over her crotch-less pants never mind imagining the God of Scientology doing a reccy down there!

Cher has admitted to Oprah Winfrey that she had an affair with little Tom when he was 20 and she was 39, at the peak of his Risky Business days. She said:

"I was crazy about him. He was shy. He said he felt like such a boob in school and nobody talked to him. We went on a date once for dinner in a New York restaurant and the waitress was from his old school. He told me she never talked to him back in school, but now …

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Jose Mourinho´s mouth has been dominating sports news bulletins leading up to Chelsea´s second leg Champions League semi with Liverpool.

"In my time at Chelsea, Liverpool never won at Stamford Bridge," boasted the Portuguese preacher this week. In your time at Chelsea you never beat Liverpool in the Champions League either pal. For an ego the size of Jose´s it would come as a serious blow if the modest Avram Grant managed what Mourinho couldn´t.

And chances are the Israeli will. Liverpool haven´t burst the onion bag at the Bridge for an amazing eight matches. 0-0 after 90 minutes would be enough to see the Blues through.

But then again the Scousers now have Fernando Torres who was somehow voted into third …

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