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You can’t help but feel a bit sorry for Amy Winehouse and scabby hubby Blake Fielder-Civil. She’s venting her suicidal spleen for her next album, becoming a total recluse and self-harming as per usual. Then there’s Blake trying his best to get by inside Pentonville Pokey with whatever dregs of crack he can find (and we don’t mean drop the soap stylee). The latest is that Blake got a bit of a battering from fellow inmates because they thought he was hiding a stash of heroin. A source told the News of the World:

"He got ambushed by a few blokes who thought he had heroin on him. He’s been put in solitary three times already for failing drug tests so …

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The Masters start in Augusta next month and there will be a stark absence from the British contingent. Monty is out! The nation’s golfing institution Colin Montgomerie failed to make it to the competition because he has slipped way down the world rankings to 75th.

He needed to be within the top fifty to secure a place. But the 44 year-old needed to finish in the top four (at least) for the recent Miami WGC-CA event. He finally landed in at 65th and this will be the second time he has missed the Masters in 17 years.

It might be tears for Monty but other Brit hopefuls that made it through include England’s Nick Dougherty although he finished outside the top …

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Oh my God what is Madonna like? She is so totally deluded we just don’t know where to begin. Perhaps we should get her together with Victoria Beckham and slam both those putty heads for a while. Get a grip ladies we know that you both have ideas above your station when it comes to talent. Posh on the one hand thinks she’s a talented singer / fashion designer whilst her Madgesty reckons she’s British gentry / an actress.

Oh dear poor Madge she’s not only single-handedly wrecked hubby Guy Ritchie’s career by starring in his films (no wonder he looks so grumpy) she’s got it into her head that she’s going to take one of the best loved classics and …

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We all know that the toilet is the best place for a bit of light reading, but what about the telly? OK how about telly and footy, sounds even better huh? John Clarke from Sevenoaks in Kent decided to go a few steps further, by spending all his evenings watching the beautiful game in the bath. In fact he converted the loo into a pub and installed a Playstation, dartboard, added bar snacks and drinks optics.

But the ideal set up (for John) had to end when his missus decided to up sticks after four months. Fiancee Jessica Cockerell told the Sun Newspaper:

"I had enough when he wouldn’t let me in to get ready to go out."

Clarke had said …

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Quiz question – how many times have Manchester United won the European Cup, or the Champions League as it’s known these days?

If you answered twice, you’d be right. If you answered, ‘the same number of times as Nottingham Forest’, you’d be right, too. Yup, that’s correct. United, the biggest, most famous, wealthiest club in the world, have won football’s most prestigious club competition as much as a small East Midlands outfit which fell on hard times several years ago. Pathetic!

This is why United need to start winning this competition on a regular basis, before they’re considered one of the truly great European teams. Sorry, but until they start rivalling the likes of Milan and Real Madrid in terms of victories, …

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The companies offering balloon rides over Reno could soon be going out of business as Lee Markholt Jr reached “cloud 9” by winning the World Poker Challenge on Friday. As a former bull rider, he’s used to hearing a completion buzzer after 8 seconds and although this particular test was a little longer, he still managed to make 260 opponents look like rodeo clowns as he steered his way to the $493,815 first prize.

His control and rhythm were assets as he entered the heads up play against Bryan Devonshire, as the latter decided to push on the second hand. When Lee called, Devonshire knew he was heading for a tumble as he was holding only a pair of 4s. When …

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Well no wonder Nicole Richie is having a pink fit. Not only is her fella Joel Madden off on tour with his band Good Charlotte and leaving the stick insect at home to look after the sprogg, her arch enemy and ex-bezzie mate Paris Hilton gets to go instead. Especially as she’s dating the other Madden brother, Benji. Well we all know that Paris has it in for Nicole and this is just the next step in her plan to get even with the limelight-stealing Paris wannabe. Joel put his foot down with fuming Nicole. A friend said:

“Nicole begged Joel to let her tag along, but he refused to put the baby through that much traveling. He thinks a rock …

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It looks like disgraced sprinter Dwain Chambers is hard up and ready to consider any option. He may have won the silver medal at the World Indoor Championships in Andalucía for the 60m, but because the British Olympic Association has banned him from running in the Olympics he’s left without many options.

He will be undergoing a one month trial with the rugby league club Castleford helping with sprint training and community work. Despite many suggesting that this is a part of a blatant publicity stunt, Castleford have stood their ground. Manager, Michael Robinson said: 

"Whatever the outcome of the trial, which we believe can be successful; we gain from his time with us. Obviously we are well aware of Dwain’s background …

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Has the Premier League ever seen a bunch of whipping boys quite like Derby County? Sure there are always teams that struggle in the top flight, but Derby really seem to be going for a record. Their goal difference is more than 100 less than Manchester United’s. I know the Red Devils are in sublime form at the moment, but that’s still some going.

Short of bending over, pulling their pants down and demanding a spanking, Derby have done pretty much everything in their power to make themselves everyone else’s bitch this season. Paul Jewell has labelled it a ‘terrible season’. Always one for understatement that guy.

The current bottom three still look the most likely to go down, but you never …

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Not since Michael Thomas pulled off a smash and grab raid at Anfield to burgle the old First Division title has there been as much anticipation of an Arsenal match against Liverpool.

The pride of France versus the pride of Spain, erm sorry, the pride of London versus the pride of Merseyside.

Wednesday´s Champions League meeting marks the first instalment of a three-part trilogy between the two and with both sides out of the title race the stakes couldn´t be higher.

Arsenal have been by far the better team over the course of the season but it´s not how you start, it´s how you finish, and the current spellbinding form of Fernando Torres and Steven Gerrard is a big worry for the …

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