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So Alan Curbishley says he’s having sleepless nights. I can’t blame him – after three successive 4-0 defeats for his miserable excuse of a West Ham team, I’d be surprised if he could even close his eyes during the night.

The Hammers have been truly awful for the past few weeks; 4-0 against Liverpool and Chelsea, 4-0 even against Spurs who, despite a Carling Cup Final victory over Chelsea, have hardly been pulling up any trees recently. No goals scored, 12 goals against; that’s relegation form, and West Ham can thank themselves lucky that they’ve already racked up enough points, surely, to be safe, regardless of what happens between now and the end of the season.

Curbs likes a whinge and a …

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Day One of the Cheltenham Festival usually means one thing to the hardened horse fancier - and that’s The Champion Hurdle - or The Smurfit Kappa Champion Hurdle Challenge Trophy. Arguably the highlight of the day it’s the one that sets the pace and gets the punters chomping at the bit! Now, at Bodog Towers we have been sitting patiently waiting and listening to see if our well placed hunches would come to fruition. Let’s have a little think, because as any good tipster’s ‘Little Black Book of Racing Etiquette’ will tell you, it’s as much about the logic and probability as Lady Luck batting her eyelashes at said horse, jockey or trainer!

Let’s have a shufty at last year’s top …

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We can rest easy now that we know uncle Ramsay is on the case. Foul-mouthed chef Gordon Ramsay has been bragging about his plans to buy David Beckham a motorbike. (We actually weren’t aware that the two were such good friends but then again Becks has a few celeb friends nowadays.)

Why you may ask? So he can go on a road trip with him and Tom Cruise. Apparently the short Sci-lover and the chef (we can’t think of anything too exciting to say about Gawd) both have mean machines and now they want Becks to get in on the action.

And where did they get such a notion we wonder? Well from lollipop-head herself of course. Posh happened to throw …

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Well would you credit it, what on earth’s happening in the Circue du Six Nations? Well bugger us if we know. It looks like Brian Ashton’s had a bang on the noggin because he certainly can’t think straight. First with dropping Danny Cipriani for going out on the piss before the game that would have made his career, then kicking Jonny Wilkinson’s butt for blowing it in England’s shambolic 15-9 display against Scotland on Saturday. Oh we can just see another Steptoe and Son skit coming on!

But Brian has a serious decision to make and that includes whether to drop Jonny Wilkinson ahead of England’s match against Ireland at Twickenham on Saturday. Looks like Wilko was the fall guy …

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Even if Liverpool fail to land any silverware this season they can be safe in the knowledge that they have already won first prize in the banner stakes.

"One DIC is better than two" waved the banner on the Kop against Newcastle recently. You should have seen the grin on the bloke with the perm and the moustache that was waving it.

The reference to the pair of American incumbents in charge at Anfield and the Dubai International Capital investment group certainly raised a belly laugh from my direction, almost a bigger laugh than the sight of the geezer holding the banner himself.

But after the chuckling died down a slightly worrying question crossed my mind.

Is one DIC really better than two? There´s …

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Get set for the famous Cheltenham roar as 50,000 excited souls - clutching betting slips, crucifixes and whatever they can lay their hands on to for luck - mark the start of the Supreme Novices Hurdle.

And in the first race of the day those Celtic raiders from across the Irish Sea have a great opportunity to open their accounts with Captain Cee Bee.

In the Arkle Trophy back Ruby Walsh to guide the outstanding Noland to glory and get trainer Paul Nicholls off to a flier.

In an outstanding day of ultra-competitive action removing the rear molar from a sabre tooth tiger could be an easier task than picking a winner, but a horse that sticks out is Ashkazar in the …

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